What is Attachment?

When talking about human relationships the word attachment refers to the emotional bond between two people. If it is a good attachment, then it is assumed there is a certain level of care and affection between the two people concerned. If you think about the bond or attachment that you have with the important people in your life, what is it about your relationship with them that maintains that bond? If we’re talking about your partner you might think it’s the physical affection, companionship and support in times of stress that you find comforting. If you’re thinking of your friendships, again it would probably be the care and support they offer that assists in maintaining your relationship with them. It is these people in your life that help you feel comfort and reassurance in times of need. This is similar when we are talking about the relationship between a child and parent. When we talk about the attachment between a parent and child, it refers to the quality of the bond or relationship between them.

Babies come into the world completely dependent on the people around them.

Without almost 24 hour care, a new born would not survive. Its only means of communicating is through crying. So when it is hot, cold, tired, wet or hungry crying is an innate response to say “hey, I need help”. A newborn or young baby experiences the world through the relationships with its caregiver/s, meaning a baby’s first experience of the world is dependent on how their parent or caregiver responds to them.  So when we respond in a supportive caring manner, we send the message that they are worthy. It is these relationships that act as the bridge to the outside world. So if they have had positive experiences where they have been attended to in a caring and sensitive way, then the view they start to develop about themselves and the world around them is a positive one. Through the interaction with their caregiver they are taught they are worthy, important and loveable. Thus, it is these early experiences that start to form the basis of their own identity as being one with a healthy self-esteem. Hence why it is so important to respond to newborns in a positive way, because from the very moment they are born, they are absorbing the world around them and to a newborn, their parent/s are their world. 

So why is having a good relationship or attachment with your child so important?

The short answer is, because it sets them up for life. The common term of attachment that we hear of today actually stems from a theory called Attachment Theory. John Bowlby, a psychoanalyst and founder of Attachment Theory is known for his pioneering work in the area of child development in the 1960’s. Bowlby theorised that newborns and babies are dependent on their caregiver for survival. Thus, babies are inherently motivated to seek proximity to their caregiver for protection and sustenance. At the beginning of time when survival was paramount due to predators or harsh environmental elements, proximity to their caregiver was critical. Whilst our lifestyle is very different today the need to be close to a primary caregiver is still paramount to the infant for emotional support. Attachment theory infers that the child needs to develop a close relationship with at least one primary caregiver for their successful social and emotional development. US paediatrician Dr William Sears took Attachment Theory one step further to coin the popular term “Attachment Parenting” in the 1980”s. This philosophy promotes the practice of certain methods designed to enhance attachment between you and your baby and include notions such as baby wearing, breastfeeding and bedding close to baby, among several others.

Whether you want to follow all the principles of attachment parenting closely or not is up to you.

Either way you can still have a wonderful relationship and good attachment with your baby by being responsive to their needs. It is as simple as responding in a way that is caring and sensitive to your baby. Obviously providing a safe environment and adequate nutrition for your baby are the unsaid fundamental needs. Developing routines around your baby’s biological needs is also paramount as this allows them to rest, feed and sleep as they need. Other behaviours aimed at developing a good attachment are the obvious ones such as crying, smiling and babbling. Responding to these in a caring nurturing way is vital to your baby’s emotional development. Soothing your baby’s cries, grinning back when they smile at you and talking back to your baby when they start babbling are all behaviours designed to keep you close to your baby and which help them feel loved. If your baby is old enough to lift their arms towards you this is another behaviour designed to evoke a caring response. Physical touch and being held is vital to positive human development. Funnily enough, everything your instinct tells you to do is probably in line with developing a good attachment with your baby, so listen to that.

A word of caution though – it will be hard to be there for your baby all the time so don’t be too hard on yourself. Even the most sensitive and caring caregiver will never get it right 100% of the time. Life is busy, even when you are at home full time. You need to cook, shower, go to the toilet and dare I say sleep! Therefore, you will never be able to be there for your baby 100% of the time and you will drive yourself crazy trying. So don’t try to be there for your baby all the time. Don’t try to be perfect, you are just setting yourself up for failure. Just be aware that it is important for you and your baby to have a good relationship and that if you can be sensitive and responsive to your baby’s needs most of the time, then you are more than likely doing a great job.

 

Written by Dr Maya Lloyd, PhD, Clinical Psychologist, Brisbane Family Psychology.

Dr Lloyd is a clinical psychologist in Brisbane specialising in perinatal and infant mental health, parenting and family therapy. Click here to make an appointment.